The world porridge championships have finished in Scotland. The sponsor, Hamlyn’s Oats, must feel a bit aggrieved when the winner made her speech about the most important factor being the choice of oats. The winning oats were sourced from an independent health food shop, rather than Hamlyn’s inferior offerings. Oh well.
Al Beaton from Inverness was named the speciality porridge champion for 2007. His winning concoction featured porridge with stewed apple, cinnamon, raisins, whipped cream, chocolate and grape nuts.
No. No. No, no, no, no, no!
That is not porridge. Not even ’speciality’ porridge. That is a lunatic concoction which happens to include some oats. He ought to be stripped of the title forthwith.
Oats aren’t as simple as they seem. There are:
Whole oats: the whole, untampered-with grain.
Pinhead oats: as above, but the grains are cut into pieces.
Rolled oats: partially steamed and rolled flat. These are what you get in muesli and oatcakes.
Instant oats: these are like rolled oats, but are fully cooked by the steaming process. These make porridge in minutes rather than hours, but it can be a bit gloopy.
The winner of the (real, non-’speciality’) contest used pinhead oats, which were steeped overnight. They give the best final product, which doesn’t need to be doctored with apples, syrup, chocolate or any other madness.
